


Sleepless Nights In Burning Sheets

by social_reject



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-19 00:06:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8180980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/social_reject/pseuds/social_reject
Summary: Calum had done a lot of thinking. Each thought of the past five years was either about Michael, for Michael, or trying not to think about Michael. When Calum lay alone in his bed that was always just a bit too cold without the heat of another- of Michael- he could picture what life would be like if he’d never left. He could feel his arms wrapped around Michael, could see his lazy morning smile when he woke up. This imagined future looked a lot like his past. Calum leaves and five years later re-enters Michael's life in a whirlwind of sleepless nights; searching for hope and home.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I am so excited for this to finally be finished! I've been working on it for the past month and screaming about it with my main girl Tracee (senioritastyles), thank you for letting me scream, I appreciate it.  
> I really hope you enjoy reading it!!!!

Night burned the sky, the moon only a sliver as it hung between the fog permeating the air. Calum placed his fingers to the window, his mind in delirium at the changes around him. This used to be his window- the glass that was once left bare to see out into the world- was now covered with curtains and blinds that he had to wrestle with before exposing the view. He remembered the park across the street from the house, how he could see Michael walking up the sidewalk on his way home- to what used to be _their_ home.

Calum remembered Michael the most, how he’d insisted that Calum move in with him because it was just a house without him and how it wouldn’t matter where they lived because Calum was his home. Calum turned around, his finger prints now pressed to the window in forgotten memories and moments that would never be again. The room was different- darker. The once vibrantly white walls were now deep gray, all of the scuffs from the headboard hitting the wall patched over and painted. The bed no longer faced the window but was stuffed into the corner of the room just out of reach from the light that streamed in during the morning. The usual tangle of sheets and extra blankets with pillows strewn across the mattress was no longer, now there was a perfectly made bed with tucked corners and fluffed pillows.

Calum had only flicked on the desk lamp when he walked in, shadows cutting across the past that he threw away. His body had stiffened when he walked in the room, the usual scent of cinnamon and coffee cake air freshener replaced with something lighter. His hand trailed over the windowsill as he walked away, leaving images of his past behind him. Stepping away from the thought of Michael standing at the window in nothing but his knickers as he drank his morning coffee and waved to the neighbors, his voice filled with jokes as he retorted to Calum every morning that the neighbors could now fully appreciate the view.

He moved to the lone night stand shoved up against the side of the bed, scattered fragments of Michael’s essence laying on top of the wood. A guitar pick was thrown on top of a stack of comic books, all titles that Calum recalled Michael had been reading since childhood. Calum remembered the way Michael would sit up in bed at night flipping through the pages and nudging Calum’s arm when something particularly exciting happened. Calum would look over from his laptop, his writing stalled as he indulged Michael. Batman had always been Michael’s favorite so it wasn’t a surprise to see an old issue at the top of the stack, but what was surprising was the piece of newspaper sticking out of its side. Calum wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Michael with a newspaper, sometimes Michael would glance at the comic section when Calum was reading horoscopes, but that was all.

Calum carefully opened the comic, an article he had written tucked neatly within the book. Calum’s heart stuttered, it wasn’t just an article he had written, it was his first. It was the article that had been published three days after he walked out on and away from his home. He placed the comic down slipping the newspaper back into the book and yanked open the drawer- recalling it was usually quite stuck, something amiss with its tracks. He knew he shouldn’t, this wasn’t his home anymore, these weren’t his things, but there was an urge inside his body that he couldn’t ignore.

It was much of the same inside the drawer as it used to be when they shared the night stand. Discarded receipts of takeout food, extra picks and bracelets that snapped off Michael’s wrist but wouldn’t be thrown away. Michael was never one to throw away the things he cared about, even something as small as a bracelet that he’d gotten for entry to the fair. The bracelets weren’t just bracelets to Michael, they were moments and those moments were memories he cherished. Calum almost shut the drawer without a second thought but one more glance inside and something caught his eye.

“You still have this?” Calum murmured, his fingers pinching at a silver band, words of lost love engraved on the inside of the ring.

Calum’s mind was in a haze of alcohol, making his words braver and the feeling in his chest a thousand times heavier. He glanced up at Michael, beer bottle tipped to his lips as he stood guarded in the doorway of his bedroom- not Calum and Michael’s bedroom, _just_ Michael’s. The separation was enough to choke Calum. Michael had stood in the doorway as Calum took in the changes, giving him time to have reality hit him.

 “Why’d you come back?” Michael asked, ignoring the question Calum had posed. Michael’s voice was damaged, sprinkled with shattered glass that cut at Calum.

Calum’s breath caught, uncertain explanations on the tip of his tongue. The ring burned into his palm, the weight of commitment weighing his arm down as he placed the ring back on the nightstand, his skin sizzling as it fell from his grasp. He licked his lips, a faint and far off memory of the taste of cinnamon mint lingering.  He turned, a hand on the back of his heated neck, searching for words to a question he never thought he’d hear.

“Calum?” Michael insisted, this time his voice holding conviction, the fragility of broken glass replaced with concrete; cold and calculated. “Why did you come back?”

Calum sighed. “I’ve been asking myself that since you answered the door,” he began, his voice a lull as his words and gaze dropped.

There was a moment of fear that built in Calum, fear that Michael would reject him and throw him out. Fear that what he had done so many years ago was now catching up to him and Michael would be the one to walk out of his life. He’d spent five years imagining the moment they would be reunited, five years to build a fantasy where Michael would wrap his arms around Calum and welcome him home with all the love they once shared in his touch. Reality was much colder than Michael’s usually soft touch.

“Come sit down,” Michael finally said, nodding his head towards the living room. It wasn’t the fantasy he’d been hoping for but it wasn’t the nightmare he’d been expecting.

He walked to the living room, his past words trailing him like a path of poison. He knew the last words he spoke to Michael were filled with venom and spat out between tears in this very hallway, he knew he’d shattered Michael with something as small as three syllables. And now he was back, and he didn’t deserve Michael’s hospitality, no matter how hesitant it was. Michael had always been too good for him. Everyone knew it. Michael’s parents knew it, their friends knew it, even Calum’s own sister had made jokes about it. Michael was the only one who was unconvinced, because for some reason, Michael thought Calum was the world. Calum wasn’t Michael’s world, he’d only created hell for him. For them. Flames had burned through their veins that night, heated words lost in a tragic fire that had decimated everything they’d built together to the ground. _Hell._

Michael sat on the couch, unsurely making space for Calum and patting the seat next to him, the rigidness of his body freezing Calum in place. He couldn’t go over there and sit down as if all that was between them wasn’t there. It was. It was a glass wall that stared back at Calum with smoky regrets clouding it over. Calum let out a shaky breath and shook his head minutely, letting Michael know he wouldn’t be joining him on the couch. Michael only nodded knowingly, as if he knew the pain that would come from simply being so close to each other still existed even after five years. There was one thousand eight hundred and eighty two days of hurt between them- not that Calum was counting.

Calum used to think they were like magnets, mostly because of the way Michael would cling onto Calum- launching himself at the younger boy whenever he was in close enough range. They always came crashing into each other. Crashing into each other with hugs before goodbyes in the mornings, bodies connecting in the dark of the night after long days spent apart that left them with lustful eyes and a yearning need to be touched.

Calum bit his lip, watching as Michael took another swig of his beer. His hands fidgeted by his sides, seeing Michael in such a natural state clawing at his stomach, his nerves already frayed from endless nights trying to work up the courage to reach out to Michael. It was liquid courage that brought him to the faded wooden door- Calum could tell it hadn’t been painted since the last time he and Michael had tried to renovate, chips of paint peeling off- but the alcohol had worn off and his world was spinning in sobriety now.

“I remember the day we bought that couch,” Calum said just to say anything and that was the first thing his mind thought of, his eyes landing on the eye sore in the otherwise okay looking living room.

Michael looked up, eyes searching for an answer to Calum’s words but there was no answer, it was just a memory that would soon be pushed to the back of his mind, like the rest of their time together.

“You fought me the whole way home with it. You said it was ugly,” Michael responded, his voice despondent as the moment caught up with him. “You hate it.”

There was a broken silence between them where Michael could have rubbed salt into the wounds Calum created. _Hate._ The word seared through Calum, one third of the syllables that broke them apart, breaking him now.

“I didn’t hate it,” Calum said tightly. “I just strongly disliked it.”

Michael snorted. “There wasn’t a day you let pass where you didn’t tell me you hated it. Why’d we even buy it?”

 _Because it made you happy,_ sat at the back of Calum’s throat but the words were trapped and so was his gaze on Michael who didn’t seem to be too wrapped up in getting an answer from Calum. Calum knew they weren’t really discussing the couch at this point, it never really mattered in the grand scheme of things, Michael had even cracked down one day and expressed how heinously ugly the mustard yellow piece of furniture was, but it was all they could afford at the time and it was something Michael wanted. Calum just wanted to make Michael happy.

“Remember when you stained it with spaghetti sauce?” Calum asked, his eyes training on the red smear on the arm of the couch. He’d scrubbed for days trying to get the stain out but it seemed to only grow bigger with each solvent he put onto the fabric.

“You made spaghetti for our anniversary, as if I would forget that,” Michael grumbled sheepishly. His cheeks were tinting red and Calum felt compelled to reach out to him, to wrap him up and let him bury his face in his neck as he had done on so many nights where insomnia kept him awake, only Calum able to lull him to sleep. Instead he settled for a few steps forward expecting Michael to flinch away from him, but of course, he didn’t.

“And you made me mixtapes for every mood I could ever be in. I still have them, I couldn’t get rid of them.”

Michael looked away, staring dejectedly at the half empty beer bottle in his hand. “You can sit down you know.”

Calum blinked and after a moment’s hesitation moved to the couch, trying to keep space between them but that was almost impossible on a two cushion sofa with two fully grown men. Palpable tension cut at him as his heart hammered in his chest, a lump in his throat strangling any chance at further articulation. They sat in silence, seconds turning to minutes in what seemed like the blink of an eye. Calum’s whole body was on edge, his proximity to Michael stirring up forgotten feelings. When he was with Michael, he felt alive. When he was with Michael he felt like himself. Five years was a long time to lose yourself and Calum knew he had successfully done it a million times over.

The delicate yet strained silence broke as Michael coughed. “I kept the ring because it was the only thing you left behind…” _Other than you._

Calum shattered as the memory broke over him. His fingers pulling the ring off his hand and throwing it at Michael with everything in him, releasing every single pent up emotion he had with the motion. _I hate you_ still hung in the air between them, the walls of their breaking home soaking them up, it was as if the words were painted on every inch of the walls, black ink with jagged lines that could cut through Calum’s soul. Words that had broken Michael.

Calum swallowed and let out a shaky breath, his fingers twitching in empty air. “I shouldn’t have come.”

As he was about to move, Michael’s hand pulled him back. “No. Stay, please.”

Calum sat back without another word, Michael’s hand still burning on his arm, his touch not relenting as Calum’s stiff back pressed into the couch cushions.

“Nights have always been so much more miserable when I’m alone,” Michael mumbled.

Calum had a feeling the honesty was coming from the beer bottle Michael was still nursing but he appreciated it anyway. It'd been a long time since they'd been able to communicate properly. Let alone at all. The conversation- while it was pretty scarce and scattered- was better than any Calum had had in five years. Even easier than most in some twisted sense of the word. Everything had always been easier with Michael.

Loving was easier. Laughing was easier. Being was easier. But with ‘everything’ came the bad as well. It was easier to get and stay mad. It was easier to hold grudges and not be the first to back down from a fight. It was easier to stay but it only made it that much easier to also go. Calum took a deep breath, Michael’s hand finally falling from his arm, but his skin still burned with the touch and his heart was pleading to feel the fire.

“Still don’t sleep well?” Calum forced out, the nonchalance he was hoping for falling straight into sincerity and worry.

Calum always worried about Michael, his restless sleeping pattern and tear soaked cheeks on the nights where things just wouldn’t go his way were permanently engraved into Calum’s mind. Calum wondered if Michael remembered those nights, surely he must, they were the longest nights of Calum’s life. Sitting in worry as Michael’s tears hit his neck and his body shook into Calum’s. Those nights took everything from Calum, every ounce of his sanity was stolen from him, watching the one he loved most wallowing in misery, _hurting_. Michael was broken and Calum didn’t think he could fix him.

“Gets harder to every night,” Michael said backhandedly, as if it were nothing to him, nothing to Calum. “Every night I’m alone that is.”

Calum sat in a bittersweet bubble, Michael’s words shaking his core. He always hoped that Michael would find someone else, someone good enough for him, but to hear the words speared him. He held his breath, his body heating at the thought of Michael with someone else, with _anybody_ else. It didn’t sit well with Calum, not that he ever thought it would. No one knew Michael like Calum did and even though Calum was convinced he wasn’t good for Michael, he knew nobody was good enough for him. And that was pretty shitty of him, wanting Michael to have the best but thinking he was better off alone when he knew that loneliness crushed Michael.

Calum shifted uncomfortably on the couch, staring straight ahead, afraid that if he looked at Michael he would do something he would regret in the long run.

“There’s only been two others. In five years I’ve only been with two other people, and neither of them were…”

Michael trailed and lifted his beer to his mouth, Calum sat like stone, the unsaid words gripping his still body.

“Neither of them were…” Calum repeated hoping to prompt Michael to continue, his bones aching from the unfinished thought.

“Neither of them were even close to being you,” Michael finished after downing the rest of his beer in one large gulp.

If Calum’s body was heated at the thought of Michael with another person, he was boiling from the inside out now. Every inch of him wanted every inch of Michael in every way possible. But his mind knew that would only hurt them more than anything. He swallowed the burn and sighed heavily. He couldn’t let the fact that Michael had been with others bother him, he’d been with others too. Way too many drunken nights in search of distraction to count. They didn’t mean anything, he didn’t wake up to Michael, which meant the person on the other side of the bed didn’t matter.

“I never deserved you.”

Michael’s touch was back on Calum- this time his hand was gripping Calum’s jaw forcing their eyes to meet. Michael’s breath hit Calum’s face as he whispered. “Don’t ever say that again.”

Calum’s hand reached up for Michael’s, lacing their fingers together as he pulled them down, letting them fall into his lap. He trailed a finger over Michael’s white knuckles, remembering every inch and curve of his once counterpart. There was a small and faded scar on Michael’s middle finger of his right hand, he’d unsuccessfully tried to chop veggies for dinner, Calum had walked into the house in what he assumed was a blood bath with the way Michael was screaming. He’d raced to Michael’s side, noticing the nick on his finger where blood was beading and had immediately nursed Michael’s finger with a bandage and kisses. It took everything in Calum not to kiss Michael’s finger once more, a sharp reminder of who they weren’t to each other anymore ringing through Calum’s mind.

“Do you ever think what it might be like? If I hadn’t-“

Michael pulled his hand away from Calum, reality catching up to both of them. “No- not anymore at least. I don’t let myself.”

Calum had. Calum had done a lot of thinking. Each thought of the past five years was either about Michael, for Michael, or trying to not to think about Michael. When Calum lay alone in his bed that was always just a bit too cold without the heat of another- of Michael- he could picture what life would be like if he’d never left. He could feel his arms wrapped around Michael, could see his lazy morning smile when he woke up. This imagined future looked a lot like his past. They would still be having movie nights where they would curl up on the couch and demolish two large pizzas together. They would still be fighting over if their first date was technically their first date or not. Calum might still be happy.

“I should’ve stayed,” Calum murmured, his eyes downcast, not able to look Michael in the eye after all these years but the confession needed to be said. “It wasn’t too late for us. We could have fixed things.” _We still could fix things._

Retrospect gave Calum nothing but doubts of his decision. Time and age had clued him into the fact that even if Michael was broken, he wasn’t asking to be fixed. Not everything that’s damaged needed to be put back to what it once was- sometimes they never could be. But when he was young and dumb, he didn’t realize that Michael wasn’t ‘broken’ per se, he was a mosaic. A work of art that was made up of broken pieces but entirely whole and beautiful in his own right, that’s what Michael was, shattered pieces of colored glass that when caught in the right light shone with promises of better tomorrows. Michael was Calum’s better _everything._

Michael didn’t move or speak, the only noise coming from him his soft breaths. Calum counted each of Michael’s breaths, a tactic he had taught Michael on sleepless nights. Calum would lay back with Michael resting his head on his chest, he’d tell Michael to close his eyes and listen to his even breathing. Michael would count Calum’s breaths in his head until the numbers were dizzy and his breathing matched pace with Calum’s and he fell into slumber.

“Stay,” Michael finally said, his voice gentle and soft. “Just for the night.”

Calum nodded, not able to deny a single request that Michael may have had. If Michael had told him to walk into traffic, he would have. If Michel told him to never bother him again, he would walk out of Michael’s house with his heart bleeding at the last memory he’d have of him. But Michael wanted Calum to stay and that was what he was going to do. Just for the night.

“Of course I’ll stay,” Calum whispered and followed a retreating Michael who was headed towards the bedroom.

They left the lights off as they stripped down, the quiet of the night settling into Calum’s soul as he tugged his shirt off and climbed in bed after Michael. They laid on opposite sides of the bed with their bodies facing each other, the middle a menacing and barren land that neither was willing to cross. Michael pulled a pillow between them, and while it initially hurt Calum, he knew that was the least of what he deserved. If Michael needed that, then that’s what Calum wanted him to have.

The small amount of light that poured in from the hallway night light that Michael ceremoniously plugged in each night lit up Michael enough for Calum to see the bare skin of his arms that were never tucked under the covers. Just after Michael’s middle knuckle on his ring finger in small lettering was ‘C.T.H’- the black ink contrasting with his pale skin. Calum stared at the tattoo, remembering the fit he had thrown when Michael came home with it. It wasn’t that Michael had gotten the tattoo, it was that Calum hadn’t gotten Michael’s initials first.

“I thought about getting it lasered off,” Michael said when his eyes followed Calum’s down to the tiny letters. “But it’s a part of me that I know I won’t- that I _can’t_ regret.”

Calum shivered and sunk deeper into the sheets, the scent of Michael surrounding him. Michael could do his best to mask the memory of them with new air fresheners and different sheets, but there was something so prominent about Michael that would never escape him, that Calum would never forget. He didn’t answer Michael’s confession with one of his own, that he’d gotten Michael’s initials three years and forty two days after he left, but instead closed his eyes.

“Do you regret us?” Michael asked, Calum’s eyes snapping open immediately.

“Never,” Calum replied instantly. Lies. Of course Calum regretted them, the way they ended that is. There was nothing in the world he regretted more, and he’d done plenty of stupid shit in his life. But the context of the words paired with the way Michael was looking at Calum meant something much different. “I could never regret a moment we had together. Not one happy moment, not one stupid fight, not one second of time spent with you is a regret.” _Except for the last._

The night was settling around them, Calum watching as Michael’s eyelids grew heavier with each passing second. But that didn’t mean anything, Michael could be physically exhausted but Calum knew his mind was running a marathon on high energy.

“Y’know, my friends still ask about you, Ashton especially. For years he tried to get me to call you,” Michael admitted.

Calum’s heart fluttered, knowing that Michael’s friends still thought of him. Calum knew his own friends had stopped asking about Michael only after he’d nearly knocked Luke flat on his face for merely mentioning his name. They’d been drunk and at a shitty dive bar, Calum had been distracting himself with someone temporary, Luke had been giving him those _looks_. Those looks that killed Calum, the ones that knew what Calum was doing and why he was doing it. Luke had pulled Calum to the side and the moment Michael’s name rolled off his tongue Calum had backed Luke into the corner with clenched fists and blazing eyes.

“I should have called you.”

Michael reached a hand out, brushing it along Calum’s bicep. “We just weren’t meant to be. Don’t blame yourself.”

Calum’s hand found its way to Michael’s, clutching it desperately, wishing with all of his might that Michael would take those words back. He could feel them biting at him, sitting on the surface of his skin baring sharp teeth that would only wound him half as bad as he had Michael.

“I’m the only one to blame.”

Michael’s silence was the only answer to Calum’s claim. He was about to believe it but Michael’s eyes were clouding over and his lip was quivering, all of Calum’s personal qualms on hold. His own eyes were burning as he blindly pulled Michael closer to him, the pillow barrier forgotten as Michael came crashing back into him, hot tears pressed to Calum’s neck as Michael shook and Calum ran a hand through his hair.

“I made it too easy to walk away,” Michael sobbed hysterically. “I wasn’t enough.”

Calum was shaking, Michael was shaking; their sobs colliding into each other in the otherwise dead night. There was nothing left to say as the rest of the night droned on, heated and overwhelmed bodies pressed to each other through the night until the sun peeked its way through the curtains. Michael had fallen asleep sometime during the night, his pekid face flushed from tears, eyes rimmed red, and Calum knew he didn’t look much better, he hadn’t slept at all. When the sun was finally making its ascent into the sky and Calum knew Michael would be able to sleep easy, he slipped from his hold and pulled his clothes on quickly before heading for the door.

He didn’t know what sort of pain may be evoked when Michael woke to an empty bed, but it was something Calum could control while he felt like his life was spiraling off track. If he were to stay any longer, uncertainty would bare it’s fangs in his face and he wasn’t sure he could handle that. If he were to walk out now, he knew what would lay before him. He would go back to his apartment and the five years of loneliness would come back to him. The only thing worse than that was not knowing what Michael would do or say when he woke up. What if Michael woke up and _hated_ Calum? What if Michael were to expect more from Calum than he could give? That was the problem in the first place. Calum felt he hadn’t been able to give Michael all he deserved but all Michael wanted was Calum- they’d never see eye to eye on that and it might hurt less to leave now rather than later.

With one last fleeting glance at Michael who was just a bundle under the covers- nose pressed into the pillow and arms wrapped around a pillow instead of Calum- Calum walked out of the bedroom. He shut the door halfway behind him, knowing that Michael never liked a fully closed nor fully open door. Calum had always picked on him about that, prodding at him and trying to make it into some deeper meaning of philosophy when in reality Calum knew that Michael just thought it was easier to access if it wasn’t closed or opened all the way.

Calum couldn’t count all the times he’d run face first into the bathroom door during the night, the thud echoing off the walls and back to Michael who Calum could always hear snickering. He hadn’t walked into any doors in over five years and he found himself resenting that fact. Not resenting the fact that his head would ache from the impact but the fact that there were no more kisses from Michael placed on his forehead, in his hair, and when Calum would pout enough, on his lips.

He didn’t want to be caught leaving, he wanted to slip out as painlessly as possible. While it was rational that Michael wasn’t actually waking up yet- he could sleep the days away without question- and was only turning over, Calum felt he had long overstayed his welcome. He grabbed his jacket that had been tossed over the arm chair last night when he stumbled in a bit tipsly. He tugged it on and gave one last final look at his past, blinking back another round of tears that threatened to appear.

He couldn’t leave Michael completely empty handed. He pulled open the drawer near the fridge hoping Michael hadn’t moved the pad of paper and pens. He hadn’t. In his messy scrawl he left Michael a note that wasn’t enough but was more than he thought he’d ever be able to say to him.

_I’ll never regret our nights._

Calum tried to tell himself he finally had the closure he needed. He walked out the door with no intention of going back.

 

  


Calum had fallen back into his routine shortly after entering his apartment, despair and loneliness gripping every inch of his body at the image of an empty bed. Nights were hard, but days were worse. It was in the light that Calum realized all he lost, all he gave up. In the dark he could close his eyes and pretend that everything was still the same. A week of bad nights and worse days dragged on, the only company Calum had was his ever loyal golden retriever who stuck to him like glue the moment he got back from Michael’s. Calum’s friends had distanced themselves from him in the past week, his lowly demeanor not very inviting. Only Luke had texted him once every day to check in and make sure he was okay. Calum replied that he was fine each and every time, not wanting to worry Luke for no reason.

Calum had been going through the motions the past week, dragging himself out of bed just in time to make it to work and leaving as soon as he could. He’d head straight back to his apartment where his dog was waiting to be fed. His nights and days blurred into one another. Wake up. Work. Home. Dog. Wallow in regret. Sleep.

Michael had never really wanted a dog, but he’d always promised Calum that once they were well off enough to take care of one it would be their first priority, because it would make Calum happy and Calum had promised Michael that he would get to name it. Michael had immediately suggested Dog, and Calum quickly took back his promise only to hear Michael laugh and then whine because while it was initially a joke, he began to like the idea of having a dog named Dog.

Calum patted the bed and motioned for Kuri to hop up with him, pulling the sheets back so he could snuggle in as close as he could to Calum. Usually Kuri would stalk off during the night, his own bed much more appealing to him, but the past week had been extra hellish for Calum and Kuri had been there for him. The night was settling in, the sky twinkling with stars that seemed out of place to Calum, as if when his own life wasn’t shining the stars weren’t allowed to as well.

Calum’s favorite nights were the ones where the darkness bit into the sky relentlessly and not so much as a shimmer of light stood out among the darkness. He felt the most relaxed on those nights, where the world was dark and the night was calm and he could breathe into the dark air and feel his body unfurl, stress floating off his body, like wisps of smoke into clear air.

Calum was about to try and settle in for the night when Kuri’s ears popped up and he let out a bark, Calum hearing noises outside his apartment only moments later. It was an unmistakable set of stumbling footsteps outside of Calum’s apartment that was quickly followed by three pounds on the door. Kuri had launched himself out of bed and to the door immediately, Calum followed behind slowly, not expecting anybody at almost two in the morning. One look out of the peephole in the door and Calum was doing his best to undo the locks as quickly as possible.

On the other side of the door stood Michael, sweatpants slung low on his hips, a tattered and old band t-shirt hanging loosely on his frame. Calum recognized the shirt immediately, it was his favorite one to steal and sleep in, the material was softer than any Calum had felt and the loose way it hung on him provided extra wiggle room. Calum stepped aside as Michael pushed past him and into the apartment wordlessly, his eyes scanning every nook and cranny in mere moments.

“Michael- uh- what are you doing here?” Calum forced out.

It was hypocritical of him to ask Michael that question, after all, only a week ago Calum had forced his own way back into Michael’s life. Michael turned, biting at his thumb nail with feverish eyes, seemingly searching for the right words to Calum’s question. Calum held Kuri back from Michael, knowing the last thing he needed was a dog climbing all over him.

“You came back. Why? Why did you think it was okay to come back into my life without any warning?”

Calum stepped back, his hold on Kuri slipping, the dog prancing his way over to Michael with a wagging tail. Calum was dumbfounded, not only at the question that was hurled at him, but at the way Kuri was so quick to welcome Michael. Kuri usually took hours to warm up to new people, his usually timid or extreme demeanor around strangers lulled and now affectionate. Kuri nuzzled his nose into Michael’s free hand, Michael without even thinking about it, stroked Kuri absentmindedly as Calum struggled to answer.

“I-I wasn’t thinking.”

“Of course you weren’t,” Michael spat. “Because if you were thinking you would have realized how painful it was for me to see you on the other side of my door. How much it tore me up inside to be with you but not _be_ with you. You probably didn’t even think of how devastated I would be in the morning to wake up and see that you left, _again._ ”

Calum blanched. “You said just for the night.”

Michael huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “And you promised me forever. I guess we both said things we didn’t mean.”

Calum swallowed hard and blinked back tears at the absolute devastation on Michael’s face. His right hand went to fidget with his left ring finger, he could almost feel the silver band around his finger once more, could still recall the words engraved into the side perfectly. _Forever my one and only._ Three days after their forever had ended Calum resented those words with such passion that he bought every newspaper he could find with his god forsaken article in it and shredded them.

“That’s not fair,” Calum mumbled, five years of pain slicing at him as he stood unsurely waiting for Michael’s next move.

Kuri whined, sensing the tension between them but Calum’s eyes didn’t move from Michaels. “What’s not fair is the hell I went through without you. It’s not fair that you had the last word and I was left with nothing but a ring you threw in my face and a heart that was shattered on the floor. It’s not fair that for the past five years whenever I touched someone all I could feel was your skin. It’s not fair that when I was finally ready to convince myself I was starting to move on you came back and now I’m glued to the spot I used to be in.”

Calum’s breathing was sharp and jagged as he let Michael’s words soak in. He knew he hurt Michael, he’d hurt himself, but the broken man standing in front of Calum was more than he could fathom. Michael’s face was pale and his lips bitten raw, deep circles sinking his green eyes into the depths of nothing.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Calum croaked out.

If he had known his drunken steps would have lead him to Michael’s doorstep, back into Michael’s life if only for a night, he wouldn’t have ever drank again. Because it was selfish of Calum to think that one night wouldn’t hurt them for years to come. One night was all it took to destroy a lifetime together and cause five years of pain. Now he’d done it again, one night was searing any progress of healing, one night to watch Michael’s pieces fall to the ground.

“Why’d you come back?” Michael asked again, the question from their first reunited night together still lingering between them after a week.

Calum hadn’t answered Michael then and he surely couldn’t now. Calum bit his lip and shrugged, any viable reason not reason enough for the havoc he was wreaking on Michael. It hadn’t been a conscious decision to disrupt Michael’s life totally, to rip apart any sort of happiness he was able to build in five years with one drunken night. It had just happened. There had been something inside of Calum that’d been brewing for five years that led him to Michael, something that gave him that last final push to approach him had happened. Calum wasn’t sure if it was regret, want, need, or the alcohol he’d downed in the dark of his apartment before heading out the door.

“I don’t know, I can’t explain it Michael. I-I-“ Calum stuttered, trying his best to give Michael the answer he deserved but he’d always felt he’d never been able to give Michael all he truly deserved.

“You don’t know why you came back to me?” Michael fired off, sunken eyes now blazing with irrefutable fury. “You don’t know why you showed up on my doorstep with pleading eyes and shaking hands begging me to let you in? You don’t know why you spent the night and then left before I could so much as say another good morning to you? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? That you honestly don’t know why you felt the need to leave me all over again?”

Calum shivered, Michael’s words sending chills down his spine. The honesty in the blazing fire he spat at Calum sent aching cold into Calum’s bones, contradictions wrapping around his body. He was hurt, but he was happy Michael was still comfortable enough to speak so honestly with him. He could feel the cold in Michael’s flaming words. He needed Michael to stop but yearned to hear his voice. Kuri who had been nuzzling into Michael’s side promptly broke away from him and went to Calum, sitting on his feet and looking up at him in worry. Calum couldn’t form words to respond to Michael, there was nothing he could say in the face of such honesty that would begin to explain why the honesty was disturbing Calum.

Kuri whined once more, this time the sound heart wrenching, Calum’s unresponsiveness prompting distress. Calum bent down to him, ruffled his ears and whispered. “It’s okay Kuri, we’re just talking.”

A disheartened laugh fell from Michael which had Calum snapping back to his attention. Michael stood with desperate eyes shining with tears and trembling lips.

“You named your dog Kuri?” He asked, Calum only nodding silently back at him. Michael’s hard edged words softened. “You named your dog the Maori word for dog?”

Calum sank into himself. “You remember that?”

Calum remembered it. Not many people had ever taken the time to appreciate Calum’s heritage, even Calum himself had sort of floundered when it came to his roots. But Michael- Michael was one in eight billion that graced Calum’s life. The first time Calum had taken Michael to meet his parents he’d researched Maori phrases on the internet to impress them, he would listen to Calum in awe whenever he talked about his heritage and would praise him. He’d run his pale hands over Calum’s dark skin and make him feel at peace with himself when the world was constantly trying to tear him down for who he was.

“Of course I remember that, Cal. I remember it all,” Michael said, the shortened name stabbing at Calum. “Which is why seeing you again after all these years made moving on so much more difficult. I take two steps forward in five years and in one night I get pushed a million miles back into you. Back into _us._ ”

Calum swallowed around a forming lump in his throat, his chest tightening at Michael’s words, _us_ gripping at his heart in an especially menacing way. Calum wasn’t sure he’d taken two steps forward. When he walked away from Michael he knew he was venturing into uncharted and lonesome territory. He was lost. How he could end up lost with only two paths in front of him was dumbfounding- one was filled with light, the other was so dark he couldn’t see the road ahead. And yet, he felt as though his stumbling feet were leading him further into the dark through his desperate attempts to reach the light.

In a blinding moment he had followed the light, ending up on Michael’s porch where he always kept the light on at night. Calum remembered being so angry when the electricity bill came in and they were being charged extra for Michael to leave the hall light on in an attempt to light up the porch and the front door but Michael had talked his way out of it with one of the meekest explanations Calum had heard. And yet, Calum let it be. _It makes it look like someone’s home so robbers won’t come in._ Calum had rolled his eyes at Michael and his foolish reasons for wasting electricity, for one, he left the light on when they were home, for two, it wasn’t as if they wouldn’t hear a robber coming in when they were up all night long.

But it was those tiny infuriating traits that made Michael into the glorious and wonderful man he is. Calum would’ve payed any amount of money to keep the light on if it meant that Michael could sleep easier. Calum stocked the house with candles for the nights that Michael would forget to pay the electricity bill and he still needed a source of light in their home. Calum had done everything he could for Michael but he still felt like it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough.

 Michael coughed into the silence, the room around them dimly lit but seemed to get brighter as he walked forward, nearing Calum excruciatingly slowly. Calum’s breath hitched and all words were lost in the blink of an eye. Calum was hoping for light but his body shifted away, dark shadows enveloping his being.

“I don’t know what to say,” Calum whispered out hotly. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

Michael sighed. “There was never anything to fix. That was the problem.”

Calum collapsed into the memories of a ‘breaking’ Michael, knowing in his heart that Michael was right. Calum had become obsessed with the notion of fixing Michael and devastation was his only company when Michael would spend all day in bed after restless nights, head cushioned by tear stained pillows. Michael wasn’t broken, he was just doing his best to survive. Calum didn’t understand that at the time though. And no matter how ‘broken’ Calum had thought Michael had become he was still so much more than Calum ever was.

Michael deserved so much more than someone like Calum; someone who didn’t know where they were going in life. Someone who could barely love themselves the way they should let alone another person. Calum had been grappling with self-loathing for much more than the five years he’d been apart from Michael. Maybe the reason Calum was so convinced Michael was broken was because he was broken and in search of someone the same. Maybe the problem was Michael wore his heart on his sleeve and Calum was still trying to find his.

“You spent so much time convincing yourself you weren’t enough for me that we lost ourselves. We lost everything we were and everything we could’ve been and I can only blame myself for it,” Michael sighed out.

Calum’s hands twitched, his body wanting to move to Michael but he stood otherwise still. He felt like a deer caught in the headlights and with just one wrong move he could be run over. Michael was staring at Calum, a thousand loves lost in his gaze as he pursed his lips and waited for a response that Calum didn’t know how to give.

“You didn’t do this,” Calum finally said, four words taking an eternity to think of but meaning a lifetime to him.

Michael shrugged. “Maybe not fully. But it wasn’t only your fault either. We were together and then we were apart and now here we are, together again and just as lost as the night you left.”

Calum went quiet at Michael’s words, letting the honesty settle around them. They were lost. Calum didn’t know where his next step would lead him, further into the dark or searching for the light. Michael’s hand reached out, as if to Calum, but it fell immediately and Calum could feel the emptiness of darkness tug at his heart. If they were in another time, another world, some parallel universe where Calum had never left and things hadn’t gone to shit, he would’ve grabbed Michael’s hand, run his fingers over his knuckles and let his presence be all the light in the world to him.

“I never meant for it to get this bad,” Calum murmured, Kuri still nuzzling at his feet, sensing the distress still radiating off of him. “I never meant for my leaving to crush you.”

“You honestly didn’t think that leaving me wouldn’t hurt?” Michael snapped.

Calum breathed in deeply, fighting back his self-loathing with clenched and shaking fists that made their way up from Kuri to cross over his chest. He tried to stand guarded, as if shielding himself from the truth, and maybe he had shielded himself from the truth all these years. But Michael was open and vulnerable to everything, to the way Calum’s last words had sounded in his ears, to the way the door closing behind Calum looked. He saw and felt it all. He knew.

“I thought I was holding you back,” Calum tried for explanation. “I wanted you to have better than me. You still should have better than me. I never should have come back into your life, I shouldn’t have disrupted you, I shouldn’t have expected anything other than disaster. I left before we could pick up the pieces of the disaster around us, I should have known the rubble would still be there.”

Michael hesitated before reaching into his pocket, a crumpled up piece of newspaper emerging. His hand shook as he handed it to Calum, Calum already knowing what would be typed on the page. It was the article he had written before he left but was published after he was already gone. It was an ode to forever and dedicated to Michael. At the time Calum had thought of it as just a puff piece for a new trial of a relationship section in the paper, and it wasn’t so hard to put his love for Michael into words.

Three days after he left and their forever was cut short he realized how hard it would be to stare at the words that he had meant and expressed for the world to see, knowing he had ruined it all. He’d taken away a forever because the pain of not being enough had clouded his better judgement.

“Did you mean all this?” Michael asked.

Calum nodded but stayed silent.

“When did you write it?”

“Before I left,” the words were venom, three new words to break Michael in a million different ways.

 They both went quiet after Calum’s words, Michael licking his lips as his eyes flickered over him. Calum knew that Michael was weighing the situation down to a T in his mind. He could see the way Michael’s jaw clenched and his eyebrows furrowed when a thought struck him. Calum could see that Michael was trying to make a decision.

Michael walked forward, a few tiny steps headed towards the door and Calum’s heart sank. He closed his eyes, knowing he wouldn’t be able to bear witness to Michael being the one to walk away. Guilt ate at him as he heard another couple of footsteps and Kuri was suddenly off his feet, realizing the pain he must have inflicted on Michael so long ago was catching up to him. Karma was cold and unrelenting. But Michael was hot and holy pressed against Calum, his footsteps not leading him to the door but to Calum. Karma would have to catch Calum on another day.

It was a frenzy to be back in Michael’s arms, everything that was once abandoned was crashing back into him, suppressed feelings, forgotten touches, longing needs that were left unfulfilled were back in Calum’s midst, waiting for him to respond to them. Michael’s lips were soft and hesitant against his, as if he were waiting for Calum to make the next move when Calum was frozen in place, the chaos inside his mind freezing his actions. He wanted to reach up and pass his hands through Michael’s hair, he wanted to trace his lips down Michael’s neck to the sweet spot that made him moan. He wanted to give Michael a pleasure that they had shared once before but he feared that everything was too different now.

Calum feared that if he were to indulge in something so selfish when Michael was clearly so vulnerable he wouldn’t be able to look himself in his own eyes anymore. As much as he wanted Michael, he wanted him the right way, when the time was right and they were both completely and one hundred percent sure.

Noting the lack of response from Calum Michael backed away, Calum slowly opening his eyes to be met with glossy green eyes and tear tracks down pale cheeks. He yearned to reach up and wipe them away, to pull Michael back into him and take back everything of the past five years. But he wasn’t given that chance because Michael was already shaking his head and stalking off toward the door. Calum stood still as Michael left, the door shutting behind him loudly and firmly, but the noise wasn’t enough to drown out the beating of his own heart.

Calum could hear his heart thud in his chest, could feel the ache of every broken beat and there was a part of him that wanted to chase Michael down the hallway and stop him from leaving, but this wasn’t a movie and Calum realized he had made his own karma. He made his bed, now he was to lie in it alone.

 

  


Calum put the car in park, the parking lot dark and desolate, he sat in silence letting a feeling of seclusion sweep over him. He kept his headlights on low as he reached for the clutter of tapes in his glove compartment, knowing fully well that the only tapes he kept in there were handmade by Michael. Blindly he pulled a tape out, Michael’s handwriting telling him it was for when he was feeling nostalgic. Calum hadn’t the heart to play any of the tapes during the five years Michael had been missing from his life but they sat in his car all the while, a reminder of what he gave up. He pushed the tape in the player and sunk into the past as music poured through the speakers.

Calum slid down in his seat, his eyes fluttering closed as he let the long lost familiar song pull at his heart strings. With heavy breaths and burning eyes he stayed in the car, letting his mind wander back to all the places that Michael had ever taken him. Back to where they’d had their first kiss- under the weeping willow tree in Michael’s backyard when they were seven. Michael had tasted of the watermelon ring pop Calum had “shared” with him earlier in the day- that is to say Michael had eyed the candy on Calum’s finger and Calum had laughed at the longing expression on his face and given him the rest. His lips were sticky sweet and after the kiss they had both wiped their mouths off and expressed how ‘gross’ it was. They were seven and kissing was for adults. They would never do that again.

A heartbroken smile was quirking Calum’s lips, his cheeks heating at the memory, the heat spreading through his body as he let out a small sob. Calum had experienced every first with Michael. The first time they knew they loved each other was completely different from the first time they proclaimed they were in love with each other. They were eight when they realized how much they loved the other. They had been racing their bikes up and down the street, Michael trailing Calum but getting closer and closer as Calum heard his shaky breath of exertion. Calum had looked behind him to see Michael with his blond hair blowing in the wind and hadn’t noticed the mailbox he was swerving into.  

Calum had crashed into the metal, a pile of sore limbs and uncontrolled tears on the pavement. Michael had overshot him on his bike but quickly skidded to a stop and ran to his side letting his bike crash to the ground behind him without a second thought. It was only moments before Calum was cradled into Michael’s side with a roughed up knee and dripping tears. Michael had placed a kiss on Calum’s knee and calmed him with soothing words of love. Michael promised Calum would be okay because they were together. Calum had begun to relax at the soothing tone Michael had taken, the usually energetic and loud boy softening just for him.

Michael had helped Calum wobble his way home where Michael had insisted that he put a Band-Aid on Calum’s knee though the scrape was minor and would heal quite quickly. Calum had hopped up onto the bathroom counter and Michael rummaged through the drawer where they kept the Band-Aids, determination settling on his face as he peeled it open and placed it softly on Calum’s knee. Calum had thanked Michael and Michael had shrugged and said it wasn’t a problem, he loved Calum, he would do anything for him.

Unknowingly Calum had reached his hand to his knee, trailing his fingers over where Michael had once pressed his lips. Calum was sure Michael had felt and known every part of his body. Calum had known every part of Michael even more than he knew himself sometimes. They were fifteen when they realized they didn’t just love each other. They were in love with each other and the fact that it had taken them so long to realize what everybody else could already see was hilarious to them. They’d been in Calum’s room, Michael pressed to Calum’s chest as they watched a movie, Calum trailing his hands absently over Michael, up and down his stomach whisperingly soft as Michael focused on the movie in front of him. Calum knew every inch of Michael, his fingers tracing his skin on so many nights where they couldn’t sleep. Though it was to initially lull Michael, Calum found the contact calmed him and every inch of Michael was precious to him, especially his soft tummy.  

A string of curse words had slipped from Michael as the protagonist of the movie did something entirely avoidable and dumb; Calum had laughed, three words ever so naturally rolling off his tongue, a usual reaction to whenever Michael did something- anything really. Michael had waved him off, already knowing Calum loved him, but Calum shook his head and poked at Michael’s tummy softly, taking a moment to explain it wasn’t just platonic love- he was pretty sure it never was. Calum was in love with Michael and all it took for him to realize in that moment was the touch of Michael’s skin and a string of curse words naturally making their way out of him. It was a small moment that snapped Calum into his realization and it was a small distance for Michael to readjust himself so he could place his lips to Calum’s and softly whisper back his own love to him.

Calum’s heavy yet steady breathing broke at the memory, his chest tightening with the lack of Michael’s touch. His eyes burned once more, chancing his eyes to open only to have tears fall and blur his vision. He reached up with a shaky hand and wiped them away, wondering how his life had taken such a wrong turn. Cursing at himself for being such a fool for such a long time. Hating himself for the hell he had so willingly stepped into. Despising the fact that he hadn’t only created hell for himself but for the one person who loved him most in this world.

Aches of past mistakes shot through Calum’s body, his already tight chest filling with sorrow that gripped at him and strangled the breath from him. He was losing a battle he never wanted to fight. He thought that by walking away from Michael he was abandoning a battle, but he realized he had only walked into a war. Each day that passed without Michael he had to fight to survive. To stay bound to something other than his regret was the hardest battle of the war, he no longer had Michael to keep him grounded to the earth and without Michael Calum felt like he was left to float through the void with no other purpose.

The tape’s first side came to an end, Calum reaching to eject it and flip it over past his still blurry vision, sniffles of past sobs shaking his body. He turned the tape over and rested his head on the steering wheel, trying to let his breathing even out as another familiar song started.

It was a mellow tune with soft lyrics that Calum would hum for Michael during the nights they spent together in their teens. It was the song that Calum had hummed the night they first spent together. At seventeen years old they knew each other like the backs of their hands so it came as no surprise that Michael had claimed he was ready to take the next step of intimacy with Calum. Michael had called him the moment his parents left for the night and Calum had showed up in Michael's window only minutes later. Michael had told him he could have used the door as he clambered his way inside but Calum spewed off some shit about how it was more ‘romantic’ to use the window. He'd seen it in a movie once and Michael deserved a fairytale romance.

Their first time was awkward and fumbly and even though they bumped noses and had almost no idea what they were doing when it came down to it Calum wouldn't have traded that moment for the world. He couldn't imagine his first time with anyone else. There was no one else in the world that would laugh off the fact that they'd hit nearly every roadblock before even leaving the house.

The struggle was worth it to Calum because once it was over they laid back with sweaty bodies and he hummed to Michael as he trailed feather soft kisses along his jaw. It wasn't the sex that made the memory special to Calum, it was the way Michael's eyes shimmered with desire and how his hands were delicate when placed on Calum’s skin. It was the fact that after sex Calum still couldn't get enough of Michael and let his hands wander his body in soft trails that made Michael shiver. It was Michael’s breath hitting his heated skin and the way Michael curled into the side of him, never able to be close enough, limbs in a tangle and hearts matching their beats to one another.

Calum’s entire body shook, tears dripping from his cheeks to his chin and falling onto his jeans. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, hoping that the darkness would drown out all the memories that invaded his mind and soul. Michael was such a prominent part of his life for such a long time it was hard to think of a time where he wasn’t by his side, if not physically then in spirit. On the days Michael would miss school the first thing he did when the bell signaled the end of the day was head to Michael’s house where he sat waiting for Calum with open arms and bloodshot eyes.  Weekdays and nights were always Michael’s enemy.

Only the end of the tape could pull Calum out of his reverie of suppressed memories, the tape silencing after the last song played. He had never made it to the end of this particular tape before, all of the songs holding different memories or special meanings to him. He was glad to have finally stuck around for the completion of something. He pulled himself up from the steering wheel and was about to reach for a new tape when a familiar voice came from the speakers. He sat back, the tape apparently not quite over.

Michael’s voice rang out in little ‘ooh’s as the build up of an unfamiliar song began, just Michael’s voice and an acoustic guitar filling the car around Calum. It was almost as if Michael were sat next to him in the car, his guitar perched on his lap as he strummed and began the song.

_Most of my life I sat on my hands, I don’t make a sound. Getting it right, I made all my plans, lost never found. Your eyes, your smile can light up night, night. Embers and neon signs paint up our sky, sky._

Calum’s shaky breath hit his hands as he buried his face in them, his fingers catching tears as his lips quivered. This was for him, Michael had written this for him and he’d never made it to the end of the tape before. It’d been sitting in his car for five years and he’d never made it to the end. He never fully committed to anything, to anyone. Not even to Michael. Not even to the one person he could see a future with but couldn’t see a future without. He was blindly making his way through life, hoping his present would morph into a better future on it’s own.

_Airplanes cut through the clouds like angels can fly, we’ll never die. Sirens cut through the night like screams that are fire, rising up high, like I’ve something to prove, nothing to lose, in this city, in this city, oh._

Michael’s voice cut at Calum as he lost himself in the emotion that Michael conveyed. All Calum could remember were the days Michael would hunch over his guitar and strum to a tune that he was humming. Calum had never heard words putten to the music Michael was always content to play, when Calum had asked him about it, he’d merely shrugged and changed the subject. Calum hadn’t pushed Michael on it, if Michael wanted to write music and only music then that was fine with Calum and if he wanted to write lyrics Calum would support him, but now sat in his car with lyrics stabbing into his heart he wished Michael had never written a word.

_All of this time I questioned myself, I never could wait. Looking for signs, not asking for help, I know it’s too late. A love lost and buried here, it comes to life, life. Make believe words make us all feel alive, live._

His hands fell from his face, tear soaked and shaking. He tried to catch his breath, Michael’s voice and the sentiment of the lyrics nearly strangling the love out of Calum as the song made it’s way back through the chorus, Michael singing his heart out about angels flying and proving his worth, as if Calum hadn’t thought Michael was the angel flying through the night with everything he was worth.

_I never wanna wait for this, harder that I was made for this. I won’t fade into dark, I’m not gonna say that I’m sorry, gonna see the end of this story, I won’t fade into darkness._

The end of their story played through Calum’s mind, the night he left never leaving his memories, not even for a moment. They’d been overtired, another long day dragged out from a sleepless night, already hard words thrown at each other feeling like blows with irreparable damage. Calum had said things he hadn’t meant, Michael had retaliated with words he never wanted to hear, and Calum had said something he could never take back.

It was a fight over nothing, Michael had brought up them going to his parents’ house for the holidays; Calum had refused. He didn’t want to, he didn’t want to go to Michael’s house where his parents would watch them knowing Calum wasn’t enough for their son. They’d been supportive when they were teens, but as they pushed past adolescence and Calum had begun to lose himself they had put out all the stops to make sure Michael knew he could do better. Back handed comments were flung at Calum before he walked in the door, disapproving looks and snarky replies were what waited for him in the home of the Clifford’s.

Calum didn’t want to see them over the holidays, he didn’t want to feel smaller than he already was. He had suggested they each go see their own family instead, Michael had taken the words and spun them into something they weren’t, something Calum didn’t mean for them to be. Michael had stalked off down the hallway angrily, mumbling about how maybe his parents were right, both of them irritated. Calum had followed him his blood boiling with exhaustion and irritation at the situation, at the lack of communication, at the way his words were always wrong and it’d been months since Michael had slept peacefully, Calum not enough for him anymore.

The words that fell from Calum’s mouth as the heated argument continued couldn’t be taken back, the tears that fell from Michael’s eyes would stain his cheeks and Calum would not be able to wipe them away. He could only blame himself. He couldn’t think of any other way to save their sinking ship. He had convinced himself their story was coming to an end. He knew if he walked away now, it would save them both the heartache of watching them go down in even more flames.

_Airplanes cut through the clouds like angels can fly, we’ll never die. Sirens cut through the night like screams set on fire, rising up high, like I’ve got something to prove, nothing to lose in this city, in this city oh._

Calum took a moment to try and even out his breathing, to try and make the memory less weighted. He couldn’t bare the weight on his shoulders that was pushing him down further into the darkness. He couldn’t bare the weight of his heavy heart at the memory. He couldn’t hold on. His eyes fluttered open, his head tilting back to look at the roof of his car, as if by looking up his world would not come crashing down around him.

Michael’s speaking voice cut through the speakers once the music came to an end, Calum doing his best to remain as calm as possible.

_When you’re feeling nostalgic, remember all the love we share. Remember how much you mean to me. Remember us._

 A blur of lights in the distance burned his eyes as he looked back down, an unfamiliar car pulling into the parking lot and taking the spot next to Calum’s.

Calum closed his eyes again, knowing that when the door to his car opened it was Michael who was getting into the passenger seat, Calum’s hands finding their way to the wheel, gripping it with such force that his knuckles turned white.

“You came,” Calum breathed out, disbelief loosening his hands as Michael placed his own on Calum’s arm.

“Of course I did,” Michael murmured. “You needed me.”

“I didn’t even know if you got my message,” Calum admitted. He had slipped a piece of crumpled paper with a hastily written message and meeting spot on it through the mail slot in the front door, praying that when Michael walked by he would notice, it was a long shot but it was all that Calum could manage. “I really hoped you would still make sure to lock the doors at night and notice it.”

“Lock the doors and turn on the light to make sure there’s no robbers,” Michael said, his tone light and joking, taking Calum back to a time when it was normal for banter to sit between them, their words soft and laughable.

Now that time had passed and the electric bill was no longer in Calum’s hand, the number glaring at him in the hallway light, he laughed. A bubble of giggles escaping him through his choked up demeanor. Maybe he was edging on hysteria, the tight feeling his chest and the feeling of floating contradictory and confusing his body and mind into near delirium.

“I remember that,” Calum replied. “I remember it all.”

Michael sighed and couldn’t keep the strain out of his voice when he replied, “So do I.”

“Mikey- I- I am so sor-“

Michael cut Calum off by putting his hand up and shaking his head. “Don’t, please, don’t.”

“I need to say it Michael,” Calum began, pleading with his eyes that were locked on Michaels that he would understand. “I need to say it, I need you to hear it, I need you to know that I mean it.”

Michael closed his eyes, green gone but still burrowing into Calum’s heart. Michael let out a shaky breath and nodded for him to continue.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through. I’m sorry for projecting my problems on you and looking at you like you’re jaded. I’m sorry for putting you up on a pedestal and then not being there to catch you when you fell-“

Michael was about to interrupt, his eyes fluttering open and the words on the tip of his tongue but Calum charged on.

“I’m sorry for the fights I started and never ended. I’m sorry for all the nights we went to bed in a heated silence with our backs turned to each other. I’m sorry for pretending not to hear you cry during those nights. I’m sorry that I knew I didn’t deserve you but I kept you for so long. I’m sorry that by the time I realized I should let you go it was too late for you to not keep looking back. I’m sorry that you’re the only person I think of in the morning when I roll over to an empty side of the bed. I’m sorry that five years ago you woke up to an empty bed and a hollow heart because I took all your love with me and selfishly kept it in an attempt to keep myself afloat, your love was weightless and I’m sorry that I only ever dragged you down.”

Silence bombarded them, hot and suffocating as Calum waited for Michael’s reply. In the depths of his shadowed mind he thought that Michael would exit the car and leave him hallow. Michael had every right to refuse to accept the apology, to not look back and keep his life moving forward. Calum wasn’t sure what he wanted. If he wanted Michael to live his present on his own or jump back into the past with Calum, thus creating a different future. All he wanted was for Michael to have what he wanted, what he needed, anything he desired.

“I know you’re sorry,” Michael said, Calum’s heart plummeting. Those weren’t the exact words he had been hoping to hear, but they were better than what the darkest parts of his mind had cooked up. “I’m sorry too.”

That threw Calum for a loop. Three words that had almost polar opposite meanings of the words Calum had hurled at Michael the night everything fell to shambles. Calum bit his lip, feeling in his heart of hearts that Michael had nothing to apologize for.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Calum murmured.

Michael laughed, sarcasm lacing the chuckle as he shook his head ‘no’. “You always put everything on yourself. My problems, your problems, the world was always on your shoulders. You felt like you couldn’t help me, but I didn’t even try to help you. It’s just as much my fault as it is yours.”

Calum sat back in disbelief, disbelief of the words that Michael had just said, knowing that he would never truly believe them. Calum shook his head this time as the tape in the player commenced to make a grinding noise, the silence at the end of tape coming to a close. Without a word he reached for the eject button, pushing it firmly, the tape popping out. He took extra care to pull it out gently, bringing it to his lap.

Calum let Michael’s words fall off into oblivion, refusing to acknowledge them, to believe them. He looked at the tape in his lap, his hands clutching it as he felt Michael’s eyes on him.

“You know, I never made it to the end of the nostalgic tape before,” Calum said hoarsely, regret fueling the undertones of his voice. “Before tonight that is.”

Michael placed his hand on Calum’s. “What did you think?”

Calum looked at Michael, remembering all of the love they shared, all of what encapsulated them. “I could never forget us. Every moment is still with me. Every smile, every fight, the end… it’s all with me.”

Michael’s hands reached for Calum’s, the pads of his fingers trailing over the backside of his hand, Calum’s initials staring back at him against Michael’s ring finger. Calum swallowed down years of regret and looked toward the future.

“It didn’t have to be the end,” Michael whispered, his words as soft as the trails he ran along Calum’s hand. “It still doesn’t have to be the end for us.”

Calum sighed tiredly, brokenly, the air escaping him pulsing with need for something to believe in. His lungs cried out, his body ached with the thought of a future with Michael, his thoughts tangled up in the past he destroyed. It may have been easier for Michael to look to the future with Calum, he may not have felt the immeasurable amount of guilt that Calum had for the past five years, Michael could say that he had blame in the situation all he wanted, but it didn’t alleviate the pain Calum had caused himself and Michael.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Calum croaked out. “Not again.”

“Hurt is inevitable Calum, it’s part of life, it’s part of every relationship, but the good always, _always_ outweighed the hurt when it came to us. At least for me it did.”

 Calum let go of the tape he was gripping and intertwined his fingers with Michael’s, pushing all of his regrets away, trying his best to focus on the here and now- on Michael. Focus on the way the green of Michael’s eyes reflected hope and how under the glow of the car light the green wasn’t jaded- Michael wasn’t jaded- he was emeralds and shining with promises of hope, promises of love that could melt away the pain of the past.

“You were everything good, Mikey, I was the reason we ended in destruction.”

Michael scooted along the bench of the seat and wrapped his arms around Calum, their fingers still intertwined, Michael bringing their clasped hands up, pressing a small kiss to each of Calum’s knuckles. The press of Michael’s lips to Calum’s skin was reminiscent of all things they once had, all the things they lost, all the things Michael was so clearly hoping to get back. All the things that Calum was afraid to admit that he wanted, _needed,_ to have.

“I kept convincing myself there was nothing to fix between us, that you left for no reason other than to hurt me. I was almost certain you walked away because you thought I was broken- and maybe you did- but now I realize that you walked away because you were hurting and I couldn’t help you. You walked away because you were in pain and you saw no other way out of it. You didn’t want to bring me down but I wasn’t there to help lift you up,” Michael explained, the words tugging at something inside of Calum, the truth thrown out into the world between them.

“I didn’t even know pain until I left,” Calum said, burying his face in Michael’s neck. “However much I hurt before was nothing compared to the morning I first woke up without you.”

Michael let their held hands drop, Calum breathing heavily as his hand fell but his breathing pattern returned to normalcy when Michael’s hand ran through his hair instead. They stayed like that for a while, the quiet of the night calming Calum’s blood, the light of the moon shining in through the windshield reminding Calum that even in the darkest of times there was always light to be had. His eyes fluttered close, his usually wound body relaxing with Michael’s breath hitting his skin. It was like old times, only Calum was cradled in Michael’s arms and not the other way around.

It felt like Michael was able to take away all of the problems they had faced just with his touch. Ease the pain that five years had built with an apology. Build a future with just a promise. But when Calum’s eyes fluttered back open reality was still there waiting for him; smashed into a million pieces on the cold hard floor. Words were just words and promises were empty until they were fulfilled. If Calum were to immerse himself back into the world of Michael, he would need time to help take down the barriers that time itself had built. Things would not go back to the way they had been immediately, and maybe that was okay, because things had never been perfect between them. Not even the ‘picture perfect’ childhood Calum had convinced himself they had shared could ever be defined as perfect.

“Come home with me, wake up with me, stay with me,” Michael said softly, as if the words were unbelieved even to him.

There was only a split moment where Calum could ever picture himself denying Michael’s request, and in that moment he saw a future so bleak he wasn’t sure it would even exist. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to live with the pain of having Michael back for a moment in time to only to end in not having him forever. Over the past five years Calum had promised himself that if the chance arose, if Michael wanted to try again, he wouldn’t be so foolish as to deny himself what he needed most in life.

Michael was the air Calum was so painfully deprived of. In the past, Michael had also been the air that was poisoned, causing Calum unimaginable pain, but right now there was a balance of bad and good hanging between them and Calum could clearly see the good outweighed the bad. For every inhale of poison there was a million and three inhales of fresh air. For every trial they faced there was always a future ahead of them; even after five years apart, the only cut and clear future was held in Michael’s eyes.

“I want to be with you,” Calum admitted. “I always have. I just didn’t know how to do it without hurting myself, without comparing myself to others, without feeling like I wasn’t enough for you. I want to be with you. But I want to be enough for you.”

“You’ve always been enough for me,” Michael started. “Especially when I was too ignorant to realize that you needed me more than anything and I only ever leaned on you. I want to take the weight off your shoulders. Come home with me, come back to _our_ home. I’ll help you bear the weight of a million worlds.”

Calum let go of all of his inhibitions and doubts about himself, knowing he needed home more than anything. He was ready to forgive himself, he was ready to realize that sometimes things happened and people changed and it was out of his control. But it was in his control to decide what he wanted in life and it was in his control on how to get those things.

Calum nodded, pressing his lips to Michael’s cheek in a silent communication of confirmation. He would go with Michael. He would go home. He would stay.

 

  


Home was wrapped arms around him in the morning, easier nights of sleep with limbs entangled between them and a dog pressed against Calum’s back. Home was fluttering lashes that revealed green eyes in the morning sunlight and forehead kisses in greeting. It was bumping noses in affection before falling asleep knowing that the other would be there come sunrise. Home was Michael to Calum and Calum was home to Michael.

It wasn’t easy to fall back into each other, it took time to build trust, and time to break down walls that barred them from communication. But time and open arms helped to heal the wounds they had created in each other and on their own.

Calum lay against Michael’s chest, Kuri curled into his side, his nose pressed against his hip bone, little snores escaping him. Michael carded his hands through Calum’s curls- he’d let his hair grow since he’d come home, knowing that Calum loved when it was just a bit longer than usual so his curls were more prominent.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” Michael began, his voice above Calum who had sunk down into Michael. “When did you get my initials tattooed on your shoulder?”

Calum smiled lazily, he could give Michael the exact date, he could pin point the exact moment in time he had decided he wanted Michael inked into his skin forever, but that didn’t seem like the answer he should give.

“When I realized how I much I needed you with me.”  

It had been a dark night when Calum had stumbled into a tattoo shop, he thought he had seen Michael at a bar previously but it turned out to be a stranger with dyed hair. Luke had pulled Calum away from the stranger, telling him that he knew he needed Michael and that he needed to suck it up and go get him. Instead of following Luke’s advice, Calum had stumbled into the dimly lit shop and let Michael be permanently etched into his skin. Because at the time people weren’t forever, but ink was.

Michael placed a kiss to Calum’s bare shoulder, his lips brushing against the tattoo and traveling to Calum’s neck, murmured words pressed into his pulse point. “I’ve always needed you.”

Calum titled his head back at the contact and whispered, “I’ve always loved you and I always will. No matter what. I love you forever.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated :)  
> Find me on tumblr at lashtonsillusion !!!


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